Wasted Time
by fnl
Summary: Hyde reflects on his relationship with Jackie, her relationship with Fez, and Kelso, and how she regards herself.
1. Remorse

_NOTES: I've been planning this one for at least a week now. Once I looked at the lyrics to this song, I knew I couldn't NOT write about it. I whipped it up in an evening, I really hope you like it. Take time to leave a review, if you don't mind : )_

_Disclaimer: I don't own That '70s Show, or the song (Wasted Time) by the Eagles. _

_Oh baby, there you stand  
With your little head down in your hands  
Oh my God, you can't believe it's happening again  
Your baby's gone, and you're all alone,  
And it looks like the end._

He left you. I heard he dumped you this morning, walked out without a word to explain his actions, though I can formulate my own conclusion. You didn't put out. You should've known his attraction to you was purely physical, that there was no way he was going to stick around if he got nothing but kisses and hugs out of it. I suppose it could be worse, though. You could've had sex with him just to get him to stay, because you were too afraid of being alone. You've been alone enough, now, I guess, what with Kelso running off to California, and me running off to Vegas (and marrying someone else), and you can handle it.

You shouldn't worry about it, don't waste your tears on him. He doesn't deserve you, anyways. You're smart, and you're strong, and you're beautiful, and you should have someone who will treat you well. Someone who can give you the life you always dreamed of. Even though your dreams have changed, I guess. You went from dreaming of grand halls and diamond splendours to just having someone to love. I like to think that change came because of me.

I don't know where he is now. Mourning his loss, maybe. Entertaining thoughts of what could have been. Wondering 'What if?'. What could have beens, and what ifs don't matter, though. If he was willing to leave you because you wouldn't give him sex, your future couldn't have been very bright. Not like our future could have been.

_Back out on the street  
And you're trying to remember,  
How will you start it over,  
You don't know if you can.  
You don't care much for a stranger's touch,  
But you can't hold your man.  
You never thought you'd be alone  
This far down the line  
And I know what's been on your mind,  
You're afraid it's all been wasted time.  
_  
You're starting over again. And that's exactly what it is, for you. Some people don't react to break ups, some just keep going as if it never happened. But the ones you love – or think you love – are such a big part of your life, that a change in their status, like from lover to friend, or even friend to stranger, affects your whole world. You'll get over him, and he won't be the worst of them. You never really loved him, I know that. He was just your rebound guy. From a relationship you never should have had to rebound from.

They say real life never turns out the way you envisioned, and I guess that's true. We all expected to be somewhere else, by now, maybe, like Donna and Forman, in college, or like you, married, or like me, in jail. It's funny how our views change as the years pass, how one choice can alter your plan for life. Or how one wrong decision can completely change everything.

I guess, for you, that choice was me. You wanted marriage and riches, dignity and class. And you got me. But as our relationship progressed, so did your dreams. Instead, you just wanted to marry someone who you loved, someone who loved you just as much. I did. I loved you. But we went wrong somewhere, or rather, I went wrong somewhere. And those years you spent with me, those years you spent with Kelso, the months you spent with Fez . . . you can't help but wonder, what purpose did they serve? You think you wasted those years with us, you think that they're nothing but a black hole in the warp of time.

_The autumn leaves have got you thinking  
About the first time that you fell  
You didn't love the boy too much,  
No, no, you just loved the boy to well, farewell,  
So you live from day to day,  
And you dream about tomorrow  
And the hours go by like minutes,  
And the shadows come to stay  
So you take a little something,  
To make them go away.  
And I could've done so many things, baby  
If I could only stop my mind  
Wonderin' what I left behind  
If I'm worryin' 'bout this wasted time._

You ask yourself about the times with Kelso. Should you have stuck with him, someone loveable, someone you were comfortable with, someone you didn't really love. Being in like can't hurt you, and look where love got you – you loved me, and I ran away. But then, so did he. And Fez, too. We all discarded you, even if it was because of fear, jealousy, and an uncontrolled want for sex. Those aren't excuses, they're escapes. They're windows out, because we all wanted out. Kelso didn't want marriage. I didn't want commitment. Fez just . . . didn't care.

We haunt you, in your dreams. How could you go through three men, just like that, and have each one leave you in the dust. You ask yourself if you're really that bad of a person, you begin to question yourself, and your past, as your confidence falters.

I keep thinking about us. You and me. While she kisses me, I think about you. Watching TV, I think about you. Driving around town, you're on my mind. And I can't help the what could have beens and what ifs from taking over my head. Because I may not have wanted commitment, but I wanted you. And if it wasn't for my insecurities, my non trusting nature, I would've fought it. Because I loved you. And that was stronger than any fear I may have had.

_Another love has come and gone,  
And the years keep rushing on,  
I remember what you told me  
Before you went out on your own_  
"_Sometimes to keep it together,  
We got to leave it alone."  
So you can get on with your search, baby  
And I can get on with mine.  
And maybe someday you will find  
That it wasn't really wasted time._

I just hope that you understand. Maybe we were supposed to be together. Maybe we weren't. But however it was supposed to be doesn't matter. We're opposing natures, you and I, and maybe that's why we fought so much. And it's also probably why we got along so well. But I wouldn't worry about your dreams not coming true, and don't try to tell yourself that you'll never find someone because three already ran, because it doesn't matter. Two of them aren't real men, anyways, and the third didn't - doesn't - know what he wants.

You'll find someone great, and you'll live the life you always dreamed you would. You're going to do great things, Jackie. I can only hope that one day, when you're sitting in your million dollar New York City apartment, and an old picture of us falls out of a book you didn't remember you had, you'll see it and smile. Because we were happy then.

Love,

Hyde.


	2. Bitterness

**Notes:** So. Originally, Wasted Time was going to be a oneshot, but then I was listening to this song on my way to school one day, and I realised that it fit pretty well, but the only way I could write to it would be a depressing, angry sort of tone. And instead of doing two oneshots like that, I decided to combine them into one story, and maybe do a few more and wrap it all up. So that's what I did.

This song's "Empty Man" by Doc Walker. I can't find it anywhere on the internet, so if you want to listen to it, there's a 30 second preview in the iTunes store. It is quite a good song, though. I don't own the song or any of the characters/settings of That 70s Show.

Reviews are welcome :)

* * *

_The blanket fell from the window  
And let the sun shine in.  
The hardest part of starting over  
Is where to begin._

You know, as far as I can remember, you've always thrown yourself into our relationship. You left Kelso at the door when you walked into the basement that day, hell, maybe you left him even before that. But one thing I know for sure is that from that first day, there were no more real emotional ties between you two. Even though we both thought it was a fling, a no strings attached, no hidden costs sort of thing, and even though in the early stages of the whole deal, it didn't matter whether you were over him or not, you were. You may've had issues with it later, with "your boyfriend", but I clench my teeth and tell myself it was habit, and that it meant nothing. If I didn't, I would've gone insane.

And it may be a stretch, but wouldn't that indicate that there was something wrong with your relationship with Fez? I mean, besides the obvious. Would your ease in getting over Kelso not be transferable to me? And would it not have made moving onto Fez easy? If any of that makes sense. What I'm getting at is that if you got over Kelso so easily, it should've been the same for me.

And it wasn't, I know that for a fact.

But maybe they way it ended was for the best. We weren't going to go anywhere, not the way we were headed. In a different world, a different time, a different situation, we could've. But it wouldn't have worked out. At least with Sam, only one of us had their heart broken. The other just had to deal with liquor, the bright lights of Vegas, and a whole lot of guilt.

_You wanted the world,  
But it was more than I could give.  
I fell short of expectations,  
And that's just the way it is._

I'm not sure why you expected so much from me. Getting promises from a teenage boy with his whole life in front of him, and a whole future to have (whether he admits it or not) is not only extremely ambitious, it's also bordering on insanity. And you wouldn't have been happy with "together in the next couple years", either. You wanted promises of weddings, white picket fences, and kids. And I didn't know if I could, or was willing to, give that to you. And instead of not accepting the truth, you pushed me into saying either what you wanted to hear, or what you didn't want, so that you could "live your life". You never realized that you could live without a guy, that you could be independent, and rely solely on yourself.

And I wasn't going to say yes, and have to break it five years down the line, and I wasn't going to say no and regret it for the rest of my life.

Everything always had to be your way.

_So just turn and walk away,  
But don't let me hear you say  
That I'm an empty man  
Full of empty plans  
You can't say I didn't try  
I'm not an empty man._

Sometimes, I think I ruined everything. On those days, I usually feel guilty. I'm also usually drunk. Because, despite your innocent demeanor, I know the real story behind it. I know the story past the cried, "Steven married a stripper!", and I know that you were ultimately to blame. I know that you started pressuring me, and I know that you were the one to make the fatal mistake of "assuming" you knew me so well that you could "guess" my answer. Jackie, I get drunk. It's what I do. You _knew_ that. You just wanted to create some drama in your life, create yourself a reason to get upset. Maybe you were actually testing to see how much I really wanted you. Maybe you never had any intentions of waiting for my answer, rather, you just wanted to find out for yourself. If I followed you, I saved you. Not only did I see a future with you, I was willing to get off my ass and do something for it.

But you screwed up. Somewhere along the line, your brilliant plan failed, and Kelso re-entered the situation. Maybe you figured you had waited too long, and I was never going to show up, and you may as well settle for some consolation sex.

Maybe you figured a lot of things.

_It's the first day of summer  
And there's a cool wind blowing in.  
A solid year of that weather  
Is wearing me thin.  
And the stories of my weakness  
Are starting to get old  
So go find the man you thought I should've been  
Because tonight it's getting cold._

But when you came home again, once you realized that maybe you _had_ screwed up, maybe I wasn't to blame at all, you found out that one mistake led to another, and that I was married. With no intentions of turning back, apparently.

And that's when it really started. That's when you began full fledged warfare. Suddenly, everyone began to overlook your mistakes and focus on the ones made by me. Suddenly, just because I was the one who committed the bigger crime, I was the real criminal and you were innocent. Suddenly, I was the asshole, and you just let everyone believe it. Hell, you believed it yourself.

It doesn't even bother me that you find me at fault. What drives me insane is that you don't realize that you were part of the problem. You never accepted that it wasn't only me who screwed up – you did too. And I never made you pay. Not like the summer when you compared me to Kelso, not like the time you took off to Chicago without letting me have my say, and not like the time you went and fucked Kelso because "you knew my answer". Every time you screwed up, I took you back. Every single time.

Except the last.

_So just turn and walk away,  
But don't let me hear you say  
That I'm an empty man  
Full of empty plans  
Just because you're not satisfied  
Doesn't mean I didn't try  
I'm not an empty man._

So when you talk about our failed relationship, please remember that you had some hand in destroying it, and that I actually really liked you.

I tried, Jackie. I really did.

Hyde.

_The blanket fell from the window._


End file.
